But God

I didn’t change our firstborn’s diapers until he was a week old. Fresh, tender feelings sprouted deep inside me as I watched my husband Scott gently care for our newborn son while I recovered from an emergency Cesarean section in a hospital bed. Scott was in command, not only keeping our son clean but also mastering the art of swaddling.

During my extended recovery and the numerous feeding challenges that followed, I didn’t have the option of control. From the beginning of motherhood, I felt weak and helpless, truly dependent on nurses, doctors, my husband, and other family for practical care both for me and our newborn.

I never assumed motherhood would be easy, but I also never expected it to be so hard. During those days of endless rounds of breastfeeding, pumping, bottles, and bottle washing, my husband stood by me and advocated for me. He helped me find my voice.

Those were agonizing weeks as I did everything I knew to do, and my son would still cry. My husband? Scott drove me to the ER one night when I was at my wit’s end. He encouraged me to see the lactation consultant and try all the methods. He supported me with practical help at home. He involved family to watch over us when he returned to work.

It wasn’t until our son was two months old that his tongue tie was diagnosed and his frenulum clipped; only then did feeding improve. It wasn’t until he was six that he was diagnosed with a genetic condition including elevated liver enzymes that very well may have impacted his early life…there’s no way to know for sure.

But in those intense and emotional early days of motherhood, God was at work in my heart:

-Despite everything I’d read and all my fine plans, none of my birth experience went the way I designed. Yet I realize, had I lived in another time and place in history, most likely both my son and I would’ve died in childbirth. Without access to excellent medical care, that might’ve been the end of the story. We have so much to be thankful for.

-From the very beginning, I saw my weakness and inability to care for my son on my own. I couldn’t say, “I’ve got this,” because I didn’t. What God did give me was support and help in the form of family and friends who rallied around me and my child. He was in control and providing what I needed to keep from sinking.

-I couldn’t see all the pieces of the puzzle, yet God heard each one of my desperate, middle-of-the-night (and middle-of-the-day) prayers. He’s still answering those prayers.

God used that season to prepare me to walk a path of desperate and dependent motherhood, to see my need for the help and hope that only he could offer. Whether it’s a sick baby or a troubled teen, we all need to bring our children, their concerns, and our anxieties to the One who is in control and able to work on our behalf.

I didn’t have the option of going it alone in motherhood. But God.

And while I/we might feel like we have it all together some days, or maybe sink in our pits when we realize we don’t, there’s actually freedom in recognizing our condition. But God.

I wish all women could have the support I’ve experienced, but even if you don’t…but God.

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved” (Ephesians 2:4-5).

For more about Katie's book, Loving My Children, click here. 
Email Katie at lovingmychildrenbook@gmail.com.